The Gap
Why do so many Christian lives feel so empty?
Every month I have a handful of guys over to my house for a fire. Mostly men in their 20s and 30s.
Before anything else, we go over the rules.
Fires aren't religious. Most men, especially Christian men, are used to another gathering, another Bible study, another chance to read a book and be told how to improve their life. This isn't that. It's a place for the heart, a place to just be. And everyone's welcome, even if you don't claim Jesus, because the bedrock of it is coming into contact with what's actually going on beneath the surface of life.
Your story matters. Most men are used to giving advice, comparing themselves to each other, vying for attention, or just going quiet and being a wallflower. It's usually one of those two. But your story matters. Getting at the heart of someone's story is getting at the heart of who they are, who they're becoming, where they're headed. That's where you actually gain empathy, grace, compassion, understanding for why a guy is the way he is. It's his story. His life with himself, with God, with others. That's the thing that matters most.
Confidentiality is essential. It's always been important for these fires to be a place of safety, a place you can share freely without judgment. Being honest matters more than being right. We strive to honor one another, to be quick to listen and slow to speak.
And no bullshit allowed. Every time, I tell the guys: you've got thirty other days a month to put on a mask and pretend to be someone else. Tonight isn't one of them. Fires are a place for men to be authentically men. Not to pose. Not to hide.
That last one always gets a few chuckles. Partly because it's not exactly what nice church people say. Mostly because we know how much we do it. We see it in each other. We see it everywhere around us, how much bullshit there actually is. It's a firm rule, but it's also an invitation, for us, in this day and age, to actually look each other in the eye and talk about what's really going on. My friends, it's more than past time.
This matters to me because it's about your life with God, about becoming the wholehearted person he made you to be. These fires aren't the end all, be all. But they've been a significant part of my life the last several years, and they've given me a window into what a lot of men carry.
The real questions never come first. They come after the small talk runs dry, past how's your day, how's your wife, how's work. Things like what's your most life-giving friendship? Where does God feel close, and where does he feel silent? Where do you feel like you're not enough? Where do you feel like you're failing? Are you excited about where your life is headed, or are you dreading it? Are you becoming who you've always wanted to be?
Different men, different situations, but underneath it I keep hearing the same handful of things.
Exhaustion. Guys who've tried to do the right thing, tried to perform well, tried to serve at church, tried to move forward in their careers, and for all their hard work, haven't seen the payoff they thought they were working toward.
Disillusionment. A culture of chaos and division and anger has left a lot of men wondering what's actually true anymore. Structures they thought they could count on, a church, a leader, a politician, a podcaster, an author, keep letting them down. The latest scandal, the campaign promise that never got kept. What's actually been real, and do I even still care?
Shame. Stuck in self-sabotaging shame about who they are underneath everything they do. I'm not accepted. I'll never be enough. I don't have what it takes. I'm just like my dad. Some men settle into it with a kind of sadness. Others fight it by filling their schedule so full there's no room to sit with it.
Numbness. So many guys have gone cynical about even wanting more, hoping for more. You see it in the way older men talk to younger ones. Just wait until you get married. Just wait for your first kid. Just wait until they hit the terrible twos. Just wait until high school. Just wait until they're out on their own. Just wait. And somewhere in all that waiting, a man loses the ability to actually feel anything, good or bad. He becomes useful for producing and consuming and not much else. Live for Friday. Rinse. Repeat.
And an uncomfortable reality that I've had to wrestle with is that most people who claim Jesus or Christianity seem to be just as unable to find relief for the anguish of their soul. Do you feel like you're missing out on what this Christian life thing is supposed to be about? Why is it that some of the people I know who've led small groups, been in church, been on prayer teams and serve teams, had a devotional book on their bookshelf and listened to worship music in the car are experiencing such a distracted, numb, depressed, just-keeping-it-together life? What I've noticed repeatedly is that modern day Christians seem to be experiencing a chasm between the life they live and the life that they feel like they're supposed to have.
Is there anything deeper, more tangible that can really answer this dryness and emptiness that so many people seem to be experiencing?
But guess what, if you feel that way you are not the first.
Jesus' own disciples had to struggle with this. There are many things I could give example of but I'll just give two here.
Jesus said that though the devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy, "I have come that they have life and have it more abundantly" (John 10:10). He says to all the weary and heavy of heart to "come to me…and I will give you rest for your souls….take my yoke upon you for my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:28-30).
Doesn't that all sound so nice?
And despite those being the truest of true statements, it sure seems like his disciples don't seem to be experiencing it.
Not only do they not seem to be experiencing this life (see all the examples of their constant infighting, jockeying for position, and running from danger) but they even more so don't seem to even understand what he's saying in the first place. Read the Gospels and you'll notice his own disciples mostly have no idea what he's talking about. It goes right over their heads and many followers think that Jesus doesn't really "get it."
"Yes, Jesus, this all sounds nice, the things you're saying, but we've got a real problem here. We've got Rome and all these religious leaders oppressing us. We've got endless taxation and unjust laws. We're poor and needy and all you're wanting to do is talk about the Father and the Kingdom? What does that actually have to do with what I'm going through right now?"
A version of this is certainly what was in Judas Iscariot's mind before betraying Jesus, the version of Jesus and the life he was supposed to be offering Judas wasn't equaling what he thought was going on.
Is that not exactly where a lot of us still sit?
If a guy walks into a doctor's office with headaches, and the scan finds a tumor, and the doctor tries to just treat the headache, that's obviously not enough.
That's the mistake I think we keep making, even inside the church, even in counseling circles. We treat exhaustion, disillusionment, shame, numbness like problems that need a tweak. A little more discipline here. A little more positivity there. Pray more. Get a plan together. And most of us, myself included, have been Christians sucker punched by our world, by our own sin, by the brokenness of the world, and honestly, by the brokenness of other Christians.
We've been handed just join a small group, just pray more, just keep your tithe up, just be a good man, as if that were the whole answer, when what people are actually longing for runs a lot deeper than that. And it seems the disciples themselves, walking right beside Jesus, were handed the same kind of shallow fix in their own way, thinking a kingdom of politics and power would solve what was actually an ache of the heart.
But for all the ways that the disciples seem to fail and misunderstand, there is one request they give Jesus that really hits something on the head.
The Lord's Prayer, which you've heard, where Jesus teaches the disciples to pray starting with "Father, hallowed be your name" (Luke 11:2), exists because the disciples asked something very simple and yet actually very profound:
"teach us to pray" (Luke 11:1).
Now this might seem very simple on the surface. We do this today especially if we're around someone we respect. Teach me your habits, teach me your quiet time, teach me how you read your Bible. We insert our experience of this and project that onto the disciples.
Here's why I think there may be more to it.
Think of being a disciple and listening to and watching Jesus talk, and behave. Go into your own imagination and just imagine being around Jesus, what would you describe his presence like? How did he respond when people want to crown him as king? How does he respond when he's tired and hungry and people want healing from him? What about when he himself is completely misunderstood and labeled a drunk and a glutton? What about after being stripped naked and nailed on a piece of wood and his own people are jeering and spitting on him?
At every encounter, Jesus seems to be experiencing and responding to life in a way that seems so polar opposite to the instinct of everyone around him. And yet he is still human. He weeps. He grieves. He is enraged at religious hypocrisy and injustice. He experiences the loss of an earthly father. He is a man of sorrows well acquainted with grief. And yet there seems to be something that he is experiencing that seems peculiar to everyone around him.
We read these stories often with religious glasses and say, well of course Jesus would act that way because he's God after all. We treat much of what Jesus demonstrates as "that's really cool that Jesus is able to do that" instead of "that's really cool that Jesus is inviting me to follow him to do that."
Even though we like the idea of a "WWJD, What would Jesus do" theology, we for the most part have no idea of why or how Jesus would do what he does. And how does Jesus do what he does?
And that's what I see with the disciples, even though they clearly understand very little, I think by asking Jesus to teach them to pray, they have gained enough clarity to know that whatever life Jesus seems to be living, they want some of that. And that's why they ask him that. Jesus consistently goes off into the quiet place and "talks to His Father" and then he comes back every morning and though he encounters hardships and toil, he seems to have this reservoir of life that no one else has.
That's what the disciples notice, and that's, I believe, why they ask him that question, because at that point that's the best question they have. It's not just about the prayer and Jesus teaching the disciples a new "technique" of how to pray, whether they know what they are asking, they are saying, "Jesus, whatever you are doing and living, I want that, show me how!" What is it that you seem to know and have that I don't seem to, and I believe they deduce that whatever is happening in Jesus' away time is part of the answer to that.
What do they likely observe about Jesus? Some things that I observe is this steadfast dependence on God the Father in him, he constantly is talking about being in the Father and doing nothing apart from him. He seems to have this assuredness and awareness of truth that cuts through lies, religious traditions, and even people questioning his teaching. He never seems to be in a rush when everyone around him is in a hurry. He has a rootedness, his sense of identity seems to be extremely secure despite his life mostly looking more like a homeless vagabond than a ruling king. And he seems to freely give up his life, almost like he knows that this is not the end of the story.
But to go back to the disciples, why despite their one good question of prayer do they generally seem to not be getting it? Why are they missing it? What do they seem to lack or haven't gotten yet? No doubt they want to and try, but certainly that seems to be the experience of most if not all of us today. In different ways, we are experiencing something of this gap between our lives and this man we are trying to follow.
This is something I'm still digging on, and not something where I'm saying I've found all the answers, but this is what I've been learning and what I've sensed God teaching me. The four words I want to walk through with you are as far as I've gotten toward an answer.
What was Jesus trying to teach us with his life and how does that impact us today if at all?
Does the anguish, loneliness, confusion that you feel, does the way, truth, and life of Jesus have any answers? And what is he showing us about what God is really like?
I know as I've already stated that most of us see a complete disconnect from our experiences of life and what appears to be lofty spiritual sentimentalities, a God that we're supposed to respect and worship but few seem to see the effects of knowing him being evident in their lives. You could argue, and the history of the Church would agree, that most people's lives might in fact be harder by trying to follow Jesus than not. No doubt, knowing God is not a get out of jail free card from suffering, heartache, grief, but it is the ticket to true life.
But whatever this life is that Jesus is offering, I stand alongside the disciples and want to say, "Jesus, I don't have much figured out but this much I do know, whatever you know and have I want it for me too. I've seen what this world and empty religion has to offer and it has left me empty and lacking." This living water that will cause me to never thirst again (John 4:14)? That is what I want, and this is what I feel led to talk about in this coming series.
What I want to talk about is what the Father's Heart is all about. I want to investigate four, I'll call them themes, of the Father's Heart, and what it means for your life, because therein I believe is true life-giving water for the thirsty soul. All who are thirsty, come and drink (John 7:37).
Most of us have completely misunderstood what this Christian life is all about, and even if we think we understand we seem to consistently be missing it. So let this be a hope-filled but straight-talk invitation to you to come along for the ride. My prayer as I share what God has been teaching me is that these spiritual realities are not just nice thoughts to retweet or post but become windows for the Father to really show you who he is, for you to understand more of what he's like and what his desire and plans are for you and your life.
I'm not saying any of these things from a detached platform or stage. I too wrestle with my own limitations and gaps in experiencing the full life and light and easy yoke in Jesus moment by moment. I can also preach the good news of the Kingdom and yet struggle at times to actually receive it for myself.
And yet I'm convinced, past any shadow of doubt, that these four themes are some of the foundational realities of who God really is and what his heart is towards you and me. They are not comprehensive but I see these themes as the ground beneath so much of the heartache and pain that I hear many people describe to me.
We're going to talk about union. What it means to abide in Jesus, to be connected to him, to receive life from him.
We're going to talk about truth. How to actually live with Jesus as your source of truth, and how walking in truth stands against the lies and the confusion, until you've got real clarity, real vision.
We're going to talk about identity. Actually discerning who you are, what you are, the value you carry, and how believing that identity is true is going to shape how you actually live and will mark your patterns and experience of life.
And finally we're going to talk about restoration. We're going to talk about living in the right story of the now-but-not-yet. We are going to talk about where we were born in Eden, where we are in the wilderness, and where this is all headed and why that matters. The restoration of all things.
All of these words are meant to get to the heart.
Because here's what I actually believe is going on underneath the exhaustion, the disillusionment, the shame, the numbness, underneath the disciples missing what was right in front of them, underneath your own weariness right now, if you've got any. Your heart is under attack. It has been the whole time. Not just tired. Not just going through a rough season. Under attack, and in desperate need of a real experience with a loving Father. It's never too late for that, no matter how long it's been going on.
I know your heart might be weary right now. Pessimistic. Not even sure it can hear or believe what I'm saying. That's alright. If there's even a glimmer of hope in you, even a small tug, just stay with this a little longer.
Could it actually be true? Could there actually be more than what you've settled for? Is it even possible, after everything?
If it is, then this is the real question underneath all of it. Can the Father's heart toward you actually reach the specific places you're stuck. Can it bring hope, when you're not sure there's much left to hope for. Can it bring freedom, when you've been striving so long you forgot there was another way to live. Can it bring clarity, when everything around you keeps shifting. Can it bring purpose, when most days just feel like getting through them.
I believe it can, my friends.
The Christian life should feel more like a fire. Picture it for a second. A fire in the backyard, a few people who showed up not really knowing what they were walking into. The small talk has run dry and finally somebody starts saying the real thing he's been sitting on all night. Nobody fixing it. Nobody rushing to make it better. Just being known.
That's not a bad picture of what I think the Father's actually like. He's not someone pacing with answers and a clipboard making sure you've said the right thing but somebody who pulled up a chair a long time ago and has been waiting for you to finally say the real thing.
So consider this an invitation to the fire. You don't have to have it figured out. You don't even have to fully believe it yet. Just come sit for a while, and let's find out together what his heart is actually like, and what it means for yours.
Learning to Become Who We Already Are In Him,
John Will
PS
If you don't have a place like this, a fire, a table, anywhere you can actually say the real thing out loud, I'd encourage you to find one. I host a Wild at Heart fire, but they have normal people hosting fires all over the country and the world, and if there's one near you, I can't recommend it enough. Find one at wildatheart.org/events/fires for men and https://wildatheart.org/events/captivating-fires for women.
If your own church or community isn't offering something like this yet, that's alright. Start where you are, whether that's a Wild at Heart fire or just people being real and sharing a meal and a story.
